Stream of consciousness take two

wow am I bored right now I should be in class but of course I had to get a freaking flat tire pulling out of the driveway thios morning I wonder what thats going to cost me to fix since I'm pretty sure the other front tire as a leak as well I should probably be writing my paper right now but instead I'm catching up on my blogs since Ialways forget to post them and I have more to post still but I think I'll take a break for now and actually start the paper I'm suppossed to be writing.

Hate

Oh how I hate you actually hate isn't even the right word but as far as I know there isn't even a word in the english language to describe how Ifeel about you. When are you going ot grow up and start acting the adult your suppossed to be let alone acting like a father I know as well as everyone else i nthe world does that you being an actual father is just way to much to ask form you. Yet you could atleast try to prete3nd that you care enough about your family to go to dialysis and actually take care of yourself cause I'm tired of having to explai not everyone why you look so sickly and why you don't seem to care about anyone but yourself. If this continues I'm done I'm tired of watching you self destruct.

Grandpa

My grandpa is my best friend in the whole world. He knows everything about me and I know I can tell him anything and ask him about pretty much everything as long as its not a new thing like texting for example. As a child I spent pretty much every weekend with him and my grandma I idolze both of them but me and my grandma never did and still to this day do not see eye to eye on everything and it has been a hirdle for me to jump over constantely in my life. Grandpa on the other hand always tried to see where I was coming from and still does. One weekend in particular though stands out. I was about four or five at the time and I loved to spend time by the water with him which is where he taught me how to fish. Well it was a gorgeous day and the sun was shining I remember feeling the suns rays on my face and I remember the breeze was blowing just enough to off set the suns vibrant rays. We had gone to the beach to go fishing little did I know that would be the day that I caught the most fish I ever haveing in one day in my life but it is also one of my favorite memories I have with my grandpa and we both discuss that day all the time. The day started off slow there really were no fish at all and then all of a sudden the water came to life with tons of fish and I ended up landing ten in a row before going home for the night and telling my grandma all about it.

World

Dear World,

I'm leaving you behind today. I can't take this constant insanity that I live in when will my life finally go back to the way it was when i was a child and all I had to care or worry about was whether or not I was going to get to go to the park or not or whether I would be going to my grandparents for the weekend. Now this seems so trivial to me instead all i worry about is the constant cycles of mania and depression I go through routinely now and my dad's health. Is it to much to ask to just for one day not have to worry about anything other than the simple things I worried about as I child.

Random Thoughts on Life

Lately I've been thinking about where my life is going and it seems that it isn't really going anywhere. All I think about is being done with school and having my job as a teacher and yet i don't want to put the effort in or even get out of bed. Whats wrong with me has the monster known as depression gotten a hold on me again. Oh God not again it took me months to pick up the pieces and get my work on track the last time when is this horrific nightmare of depression and mania going to end. The only thing that seems to help is the one thing that I'm the most afraid of when will I grow to trust that maybe medication isn't as horrible as I think. Until then I guess I'm just stuck in the horrific and terrifying cycle of bipolar disorder.

One Year

Its been a year now since we lost you and still there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and what you meant to us all. Now that the seasons are beginning to change I see more and more of you everywhere I look whether in the trees that have started to blossom or just the nice weather and the sunny days no matter what I do I see you everywhere its almost haunting. Yet I have learned that at some point I have to let go of hope that one day you will come back ot us and everything will go back to normal because noone can come back from the dead. I miss you.