No way Out

It seems no matter where I look or turn I seem to hurt someone or myself. Why can't I control this monster and learn how to express my pain feelings without hurting someone. It seems there is no way out of this pain and suffering and this dark place I'm in seems to be taking over. How do I fighta monster that is much bigger then me and yet it is me, and how do I ask people to help me and forgive me when I can't forgive myself.

I don't wanna write about 2

I don't wanna write about how dark and foreboding you are. I don't wanna write about how much you have cost me this year. I don't wanna write about how you cripple me each day and i don't wanna write about how much you've taken from me. Most of all I don't wanna write about the fact that I can't fight you on my own I have to give in and learn to let people help me. The sad part is I don't think I can fight you any longer you have one and I don't care to try and control you anymore.

I don"t wanna wite about

I dont wanna write about how you destroyed me for life and I don't wanna write about how my innocnece died on that day. Or how I may never be able to have a normal healthy adult relationship with any guy after what you did to me. I don't wanna write about how I still cry about it to this day when I think about it or talk to someone about my past experiences and I definately don't wanna write about how I will never trust anothjer guy to not do to me what you did but I guess I just di and this has been the best way to deal with the fact that the day you raped me my innocence was taken from me and I will never get it back.

Stream of consciousness take two

wow am I bored right now I should be in class but of course I had to get a freaking flat tire pulling out of the driveway thios morning I wonder what thats going to cost me to fix since I'm pretty sure the other front tire as a leak as well I should probably be writing my paper right now but instead I'm catching up on my blogs since Ialways forget to post them and I have more to post still but I think I'll take a break for now and actually start the paper I'm suppossed to be writing.

Hate

Oh how I hate you actually hate isn't even the right word but as far as I know there isn't even a word in the english language to describe how Ifeel about you. When are you going ot grow up and start acting the adult your suppossed to be let alone acting like a father I know as well as everyone else i nthe world does that you being an actual father is just way to much to ask form you. Yet you could atleast try to prete3nd that you care enough about your family to go to dialysis and actually take care of yourself cause I'm tired of having to explai not everyone why you look so sickly and why you don't seem to care about anyone but yourself. If this continues I'm done I'm tired of watching you self destruct.

Grandpa

My grandpa is my best friend in the whole world. He knows everything about me and I know I can tell him anything and ask him about pretty much everything as long as its not a new thing like texting for example. As a child I spent pretty much every weekend with him and my grandma I idolze both of them but me and my grandma never did and still to this day do not see eye to eye on everything and it has been a hirdle for me to jump over constantely in my life. Grandpa on the other hand always tried to see where I was coming from and still does. One weekend in particular though stands out. I was about four or five at the time and I loved to spend time by the water with him which is where he taught me how to fish. Well it was a gorgeous day and the sun was shining I remember feeling the suns rays on my face and I remember the breeze was blowing just enough to off set the suns vibrant rays. We had gone to the beach to go fishing little did I know that would be the day that I caught the most fish I ever haveing in one day in my life but it is also one of my favorite memories I have with my grandpa and we both discuss that day all the time. The day started off slow there really were no fish at all and then all of a sudden the water came to life with tons of fish and I ended up landing ten in a row before going home for the night and telling my grandma all about it.

World

Dear World,

I'm leaving you behind today. I can't take this constant insanity that I live in when will my life finally go back to the way it was when i was a child and all I had to care or worry about was whether or not I was going to get to go to the park or not or whether I would be going to my grandparents for the weekend. Now this seems so trivial to me instead all i worry about is the constant cycles of mania and depression I go through routinely now and my dad's health. Is it to much to ask to just for one day not have to worry about anything other than the simple things I worried about as I child.

Random Thoughts on Life

Lately I've been thinking about where my life is going and it seems that it isn't really going anywhere. All I think about is being done with school and having my job as a teacher and yet i don't want to put the effort in or even get out of bed. Whats wrong with me has the monster known as depression gotten a hold on me again. Oh God not again it took me months to pick up the pieces and get my work on track the last time when is this horrific nightmare of depression and mania going to end. The only thing that seems to help is the one thing that I'm the most afraid of when will I grow to trust that maybe medication isn't as horrible as I think. Until then I guess I'm just stuck in the horrific and terrifying cycle of bipolar disorder.

One Year

Its been a year now since we lost you and still there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and what you meant to us all. Now that the seasons are beginning to change I see more and more of you everywhere I look whether in the trees that have started to blossom or just the nice weather and the sunny days no matter what I do I see you everywhere its almost haunting. Yet I have learned that at some point I have to let go of hope that one day you will come back ot us and everything will go back to normal because noone can come back from the dead. I miss you.

My Scar

It was right after Christmas my sister and I wanted to play a board game. So I went into her closet and asked her what she wanted to play. She answered "I want to play parcheesi" so I asked her ot go inot the kitchen and get me a pair of scissors or a knife so I could open the game and we could play. She came back with a knife and when I climbed back up into the closet I had her hand me the knife only being a child she didn"t realize that she handed it to me point up and it impaled me in my hand. I didn"t even realize it happened until she started crying and i looked at my hand. I immediately pulled it out of my hand and then I started bleeding so I had my dad take me to the emergency room in order for me to get stitches.

stream of consciouness

boring existence I have togo pay my bill thank god i didn't forget to pay it or else Id be in alot of trouble then i have to go to work can't i ever just have one day to myself where i don"t have anything ot do and I can just lay in bed for hours upon hours that would be awesome but we all know that it would never happen someone always has to wake me up god the sound of these keys is really annoying i wish i could tune them out and just keep writing without the noise.

My name

B-beautiful
r-responsible
i-intelligent
a-animated
n-nonsensical
n-nice
e-energetic

Hurt: inspired by the lyrics to the song hurt by Johnny Cash

I've been here before the feelings are the same as they were the last time only the last time it didn't hurt as much as it does now I know if I was to hurt myself again it would only cause me and you more pain and yet it seems to be all I know how to do in order to deal with my pain I don"t understand how I can seem to be alive to everyone that is around me and yet I hurt myself just to feel the pain in order to see if I'm still alive is this reality a reality I created for myself in order to hide from my feelings or is this just part of the disease and I need to learn how to deal with it all these feelings that I have bottled up for so long need an escape but I don't think I 'm ready for it just yet I don't think I could handle your reaction or my own

Youth Group

I haven't gone to youth group in awhile I've just been so busy. last weekend I did a retreat at my church and some of the kids from the youth group were there seeing them made me miss them. They asked me why I hadn't come in so long and I told them that I had just been really busy with work and school. They seemed to understand but when it came time for them to go home I didn't want them to leave so I asked my friend to leave them with me for the afternoon so I could hang out with for a little while since she was going home to sleep. Hanging out with a seven year old and a ten year old is not most people cup of tea but I love them so much they make me really happy.